Over the years, many people have told me that I’m comfortable to talk to. I think that’s because of an important life skill I believe others should learn, too. What is it?
When someone asks you to hear them out, and they didn’t ask for anything else, stop forcing the latter.
Frankly, it took me a long time to learn that skill. At first, when people I care about needed a listening ear, I stayed with them and gave advice even if they didn’t ask. Growing up admiring fictional heroes and seeing relationships crumble in front of me, I needed to fix everything and save people. While unsolicited advice may have helped a few, it led to many misunderstandings, and being unheard is the last thing the distressed and the depressed need. Plus, when it’s my turn to be distressed and depressed (which happens a lot, frankly), getting the same unsolicited advice only made me feel worse, and that made me realize (and keep remembering) my mistake.
So, the next time someone needs my company, I only have one primary objective: to simply listen. After listening, when I feel like I should give advice, I ask permission first. If they don’t ask for one, then I don’t give any.
When I do give advice, I do so as gently and as honestly as possible. When I share a similar experience, I tread carefully because I don’t want to turn a heartfelt discussion into a competition of who got it worse. They’re the focus of the conversation, not me.
When they rant about someone who wronged them, I don’t usually add fuel to the fire. They need to be heard more than their anger to grow.
I also ask if they need anything else, and when they don’t, I respect that. If I can’t give what they need, I tell them gently.
If they need reassurance in their time of self-doubt, I give it to them. Listening to your inner self can help sometimes, but what if it tells you unwise things? What if it tells you to end it all? We can’t listen to our inner voice all the time, especially if it leads to dangerous territory. The distressed and the depressed need something to hold on to, not another reason to go away.
The primary objective is to simply listen. The rest (that I mentioned) are below that.
But if I can’t listen at all because I’m going through a rough patch, I tell them gently and refer to a crisis hotline. How can I listen to them when I’m not at a 141 2/3%?
Years after improving myself, many people (including those who I care about) have approached me at their lowest. Most of the time, their problems don’t get fixed instantly, but they tell me they feel less alone after I listen. My desire to fix everything and save someone is still there in some way. I know now that I can’t fix everything, but I can save someone by just being there and listening. And in an age when mental health is being more discussed and prioritized (which is a blessing), being just there and listening is an important skill everyone must learn.
The distressed and the depressed are already carrying their heaviest crosses, so the last thing they need is more baggage. Don’t give unsolicited advice. If they need anything else, let me know whether they can do it gently. The important thing is to carry their burden by just being there and listening. And if you do listen, do it with your ears, mind, and heart, not with your asshole.
Header image: Ranjeet Chauhan.
To Those Who Are Struggling
If you are reading this and struggling silently, please know that you are not alone. If you know someone who’s struggling inside, please check on them and lend a helping hand. We can fight the silent battle together.
If you’re looking for a crisis hotline/helpline in your area, visit findahelpline.com.
In the Philippines, you can call the National Center for Mental Health (NCMH) Crisis Hotline: 1553, 1800-1888-1553, or 0917-057-1553.
