depression – The Diary of The Deranged Writer

Another Conversation Among Deranged Writers II: Notes to Self XXXII

2019

One humid yet emotionally cold afternoon, I was missing someone more than usual, even though it had been months since our bridge burned. And then I remembered it was that person’s birthday. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to send a simple, casual greeting for the occasion, so I pulled my phone, quickly texted it, and went on with my normally depressing day.

Past midnight, after pigging out on my third plate of baked macaroni in four hours, I took my nightly medicine and dozed off. There, I was teleported to a part of dreamland I’d never been before, and I’m a pretty vivid dreamer. I entered this almost-vast coliseum-like courtroom with chains covering the ceiling, and people were in their chairs like confident judges. After a minute, my eyes became much clearer: the ones in their seats were alternate versions of me.

10-Minute Warning CCIV

Last June 19, Friday, weeks after dark clouds hovered above me again, I felt tired of those clouds and focused more on the glimpses of hope (as an old friend would call it). A few people actually helped me focus those glimpses through good food and warm conversation, and I truly appreciate them. And believe me: even if I’m silent and in the dark sometimes, I still appreciate even the simplest act of kindness.

After a good weekend (particularly for my mental health), this afternoon happened. I had a productive day, but then I remembered one thing that started the most recent crisis, and something in me snapped. I also remember the goals I want to achieve a week after my birthday (and the mission I have to do to achieve that), but then again, will it even undo the crisis? It’s uncertain, and somehow my blood is boiling because of it.

Fuck this. I need an affogato tonight.

Header image: Janko Ferlic of Pexels. Edited in Adobe Photoshop 2026.

Song of the Moment CXX: Foo Fighters’ “Child Actor”

Since May 25, the number of times I’ve listened to the new Foo Fighters song, “Child Actor” (a song I wrote a love letter to just last April 29), has increased on a ridiculous level.