I have been struggling with terminal Steinermania for several months now, and it’s getting more ridiculous because my mind has created dreams that involve “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner. Here’s an absurd dream involving the physical phenonemon. (Don’t argue with the spelling. That’s how he says it.)
I
I went inside my home chapel less than 30 minutes before the 5pm Sunday Mass. I sat in my usual spot (one of the pews near the altar), and then I took a deep breath. For the past few years, I have been doing my very best to spend one hour with the Lord every Sunday. The 2008 agnostic version of Dewey would not believe how often I have been hearing Mass now.
When the commentator announced that Fr. Paul would not be presiding at the Mass, I thought, “Aww, man. I like his homilies! I wonder who would be the presider?” The commentator announced the priest’s name: Fr. Scott Eakzilla. Being infected with Steinermania while respecting the holy ground, I kept these words to myself and laughed silently, “Ha-ha! Scott. Nice name.”
The commentator calmly told everyone, “Let us now sing the entrance hymn.”
Everyone in the audience (including me) stood up, and we all sang the entrance hymn, while the entourage slowly walked to the altar. After the altar servers, lectors, and deacons walked near the altar, I saw the priest. He was wearing purple vestments… but he was also wearing a chainmail coif and sunglasses.
I thought to myself, “Oh, Lord… it can’t be him.” Then I realized the priest’s name: Fr. Eakzilla, as in Freakzilla, one of Scott Steiner’s nicknames. To quote WCW commentator Tony Schiavone, whenever Steiner has a mic, “Oh, boy.”
I saw a static, fast-forwarding to the next scene.
II
Fr. Eakzilla went to the altar to share his homily reflection. Surprisingly, the reflection was too short, but then again, we are talking about a priestly version of Big Poppa Pump. What did he say?
“Normally, you have a 66 and 2/3 chance of falling into temptation, but you got a 141 and 2/3 chance of resisting it with the Lord!”
Normally, whenever a priest shares his reflection after the Gospel reading, people would nod in approval, keep quiet, or even fall asleep. But a genetic freak like Fr. Eakzilla doesn’t deliver normal reflections. When he said those insane probabilities of resisting sin, no one was nodding in approval, and no one was sleeping. Everyone in the church, even the servers, was confused as hell. The only thing missing was a collective shouting of “Huh?!” (Ironically, he screamed that during his matches, and someone remixed it.)
I saw another static, fast-forwarding to the last scene.
III
The communion ended, and every brain during the Mass was still all mixed up because of that crazy Steiner Math-fueled reflection. Fr. Eakzilla napped for a minute, and then he stood up and signaled the end of the ritual.
“The Mass has ended. GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY, YOU FREAKS!”
When everyone heard that, all jaws dropped in disbelief. Unsure of what to respond, I heard the saddest applause I have ever heard, and we all just replied, “…thanks be to God?”
And then I woke up with three questions that raced through my already-scrambled mind.
Isn’t wearing chainmail with a robe uncomfortable?
Why did he insert an insane form of math during the homily?
And the most important question of them all:
Why was Scott Steiner a freakin’ priest?
Happiest birthday, Big Poppa Pump! HOLLA IF YA HEAR ME!
The Diary of The Deranged Writer 