numb – The Diary of The Deranged Writer

XLI: The Return of Light in December 1

Since 2019, December 1 has become a haunting day. It reminded me of a ghost from a failed relationship, and I easily see ghosts through specific dates, photographs, and even songs. For a few years, I had to endure the pain of seeing those ghosts, especially on December 1.

In 2022, I took it upon myself to make December 1 a less sad day. Not happy; less sad. I kept myself busy. I greeted an uncle who is also a December 1 celebrant. I numbed myself with alcohol. I kept myself busy some more. And in doing all of those things, somehow they work, even if I still see that particular ghost.

But today, December 1, 2025, many happy moments have happened. At midnight, I was sharing laughs with an online friend (once again) about the most ridiculously unhinged professional wrestler of all time, “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner. This morning, I woke up early, and I had some lovely FRESH POTS that energized my body and soul. I was able to accomplish the work tasks that I could do before I went running errands. After those errands, I had a fresh haircut and a satisfying massage. And now I’m having my thirst-quenching iced tea at my favorite cafe. I will absolutely have dinner here as well.

But the happiest part of the day? It’s talking to my new friend. It feels nice getting to know more about a gentle, kind soul.

It’s 6:00pm as I type this entry, but thanks to all those moments today, for the first time in years, I can declare that December 1 is a happy day. In fact, December 1, 2025, is the happiest December 1 of my life. Yes, the ghosts are still there, but they don’t haunt me anymore. The light I have been feeling lately outweighs the dark.

Four more days to go before my birthday, December 5!

A part of 14 Days of The Deranged Writer (2025).

Header image: Marta Dzedyshko of Pexels. Edited in Adobe Photoshop 2025.

XXVII: Just One Jack & Coke Zero

Since last weekend, it felt like a season finale and a season premiere. My heart feels like it has been healed like never before, and I want to make a few changes in my life slowly but surely.

One of those changes is this… moving forward, instead of drinking at least one Jack & Coke Zero on the rocks every Friday or Saturday night (depending on whether I have extra work), I will just drink one Jack & Coke Zero on the rocks every Friday or Saturday night. Just one.

For the past years, I have been drinking my favorite cocktail to numb myself and then wake up the next day feeling groggy. Tonight, I’m savoring every sip from that one glass to celebrate the small victories every weekend.

For example, what are this week’s small victories? Well, firstly, I finished most of my work on time. When I couldn’t finish a task, I told my bosses directly instead of keeping it to myself. I stopped myself from buying things impulsively. I made time to write more in my offline journal, but I also found a way to make the process more efficient. Also, for the first time in a long while, I blogged three times this week. (And this post is this week’s post number 3. Yes!)

And most importantly, I’m drinking because I’m still here. I’m still fighting. That’s a victory already.

Just one ice-cold glass of Jack & Coke Zero per week is all I need from now on.

Mark my f’n words,

The Deranged Writer

Header image: Ron Lach of Pexels. Edited in Adobe Photoshop 2025.

Published on June 21, 2025 at 11:50pm. Minor edits were made at 11:54pm.

10-Minute Warning CLXXVI

OK. What can I tell here in under 10 minutes?

Since April 29, I have been trying to sleep and wake up early. Truly. I have been drinking my nightly medicine at 9pm, and it helped me sleep early. But the downside of drinking my nightly medicine is that I sleep longer than I want to. Sometimes, when I drink my meds at 9pm, I also wake up at 9am. Sometimes, I drink my meds at 9pm, and I wake up early… but I feel dazed and confused after. That’s insane.

I feel like my body got used to sleeping more because of the meds, and as much as I love sleeping for longer hours (and I quote my therapist once again, “sleep is medicine”), I want to go back to the normal 8-9 hours of proper sleep. I need to talk to my therapist about adjusting the medicine intake soon.

In the meantime, I drank my nightly medicine at 8:30pm. Will this work? I will see about that. I don’t feel slee… oh, there you go. My fingers are getting numb now. See you in the next post.