XL: My Christmas Wishlist (2018)

I’m not going to lie. My birthday today sucked, and it’s my fault.

I don’t feel like celebrating because for once I want someone to set up a party or something simple to commemorate my 28th year of living on this planet. But I expected way too much, so I stayed at work for a few more hours even if I’m technically finished with work. Even my creative director told me to leave early, but I preferred staying and writing this piece.

I know I sound like a child ranting about not getting what he/she wants on her special day. But I rarely feel and be this honest about what I want. Is it wrong of me to want to feel special on my birthday?

Anyway, enough of my ranting. Let’s move on to what I want this birth month and Christmas this year! And, of course, I am waiting for my 13th month pay and Christmas bonus to actually get these babies.

Sunday Night Questions V

My anxiety levels are as high as Mount Everest (again), special thanks to this almost-every-week of overtime that since since May. What can I do though? I have a job to do, and I do not want to disappoint the company. But I feel my brain and that same creeping anxiety attack are having their own baby anxiety attack. What the shit? I’m seriously considering the 2-month resignation notice if this does not stop.

In the meantime, one way to distract myself from this work anxiety is writing either on my journal or writing here on The Dispatch. Now let me distract myself with the return of Sunday Night Questions, where I answer a set of 5 yes-or-no questions, and I can but am not obligated explain the answers. I’d like to rant tonight, so expect a lot of it after the jump.

And here we go…  Continue reading Sunday Night Questions V

X: A Fork in the Road

I was so tired after my Friday overtime that I stayed for another hour just to drink more water and take a nap. I did not bother going home right away. And this has been my nth overtime in almost 3 months.

It’s 10:40pm that I logged out of the office. I opened my smartphone and stared at the Uber icon. Should I book a ride? No. I chose to walk for a while and look for a nearby Mercury Drug.

During my walk to the drugstore, my heart started beating hard like a mad gorilla pounding a bass drum. My feet was trembling and almost failing. The quiet and dark streets are whispering somber thoughts I am not supposed to think about.

I need to breathe. I do not need another anxiety attack. God damn it. I need to breathe. I need to close my eyes and take deep breaths. Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly. Deeply. Breathe. I will be fine.

After a few minutes of my breathing exercise, my anxious heart calmed down and I opened my eyes. There is red and black smoke, and a deep church bell rang as if The Undertaker will start his slow march. But no. I saw more familiar face—the face of The Character, a dear friend of mine that only gifted eyes can see. Wearing his white mask, black hood and black gloves, he presented me a literal fork in the road.

“I will leave it up to you to interpret the paths.”

In the left, there is a contract. What can I say? I have been working for the same digital production company for 3 years, and the past 2 were assured by that contract I signed out of motivation to earn more money, out of my desire to learn more about UI and graphic design and helping out my colleagues, and out of fear of being unemployment for 6 months before I got my first job. My contract’s end is drawing near as my fear of unemployment is creeping back, so there is this want to extend my stay.

In the right, there is a newly-furnished door. This brand new path could mean many things: a new job that pays better yet still stressful or the total end of my current job. But all I can say about the new door is that it symbolizes, well, new. It symbolizes something I have never done before during my 3-year corporate run.

Two paths, and I feel like I’m running out of time. I need to make a decision. I must make a decision. Or…

“But seriously though,” I asked The Character. “How about a vacation? Can I just go to an excursion to Singapore for the weekend or something? Or just watch Foo Fighters in August there? October is a bit far away for me.”

“Well, then. The clock is ticking still,” The Character warned as he slowly disappears from the fog, and the fork in the road dissolves into dust.

And then I woke up. I found myself in a Family Mart resting. I need to go home. Or probably get some new breakfast pancakes at Starbucks before going home. Whatever.

I want a long vacation. I do. But he is right. I need to make a decision soon.