Since yesterday, I have had a big ball of fuming frustration in my chest, and tonight I need to let it out. This is a double-feature Notes to Self.
Trigger warning: Themes of mental illness and anxiety. Please be advised.
Notes to Self XXIX
My sharing about my frustrations doesn’t mean you already know the entire struggle.
I’ve been struggling with a few mental illnesses for many years, and one of them is anxiety disorder. Sometimes I share my frustrations about that online, in fragments. A few have shown support by sharing comprehensive tips, and while I’m already familiar with some of them, I truly appreciate it.
Meanwhile, some have told me that only I can fix it, and then asked me what I’ve done to ease my anxiety. Somehow, I get where they’re coming from. Even with a strong support system and knowing ways to deal with my illness, if I don’t take action, I will never recover. But just because I rant online about how I feel doesn’t mean that’s my only way to recover… and it’s not about fixing.
Which brings me to the next…
Notes to Self XXX
There’s a difference between fixing and healing.
For a very long time, I’ve looked for ways to fix what’s wrong with me, but eventually, I realized that I’m not broken. I’m hurting, and I need healing, not fixing. Patching a wound to stop the bleeding is fixing. Healing is gradual; physical wounds and mental illness (especially anxiety disorder) take time to heal.
And what have I done to fix heal myself over time? Here are some aside from sharing my frustrations online:
- Mindfulness techniques (deep, focused breathing, sensory method, walking outside, talking to my therapist, etc.).
- Journaling (and not just here in The Diary).
- Talking to my loved ones.
- Enjoying my hobbies other than writing (listening to music truly helps).
I’m still figuring things out in my recovery. Frankly, I’m still healing. But now, I have learned the difference between fixing and healing. The latter doesn’t happen overnight, but as long as I’m still breathing, I have my support system and my methods, I know I will heal. Not now, but I will eventually.
As for ranting online or in general, not everything I go through needs a fix. Sometimes, I just need patience, space, time, and a soundboard to feel better. And please don’t assume that I’m not anything else to recover other than verbalizing on social media.
To quote the first Notes to Self of this entry:
My sharing about my frustrations doesn’t mean you already know the entire struggle.
See you in the next post.
Header image: Shovan Datta of Pexels. Edited in Adobe Photoshop 2025.
The Diary of The Deranged Writer 