Trigger warning: Depression. Please be advised.
Tonight my Father asked me how I was – something he rarely does. I replied, “I’m OK.”
Yes, that sounds like my default response, “I’m OK. I’m not happy. I’m not sad. I’m just OK.” But the truth is I lied. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I’m so depressed that I slept at 5am after gulping an ice-cold Jack and Coke while watching Batman: The Animated Series on Netflix. At one point in my binge-watching, I broke down and cried. The last time I felt this depressed was in 2019. (That’s a story for another time.)
And why am I depressed? It’s the birthday blues. Let me explain…
I mean, I have decided to have a simple dinner party instead of a quiz night, and I have decided on a final venue already. (Though I still have to make a reservation.) But then I thought that planning my desired party was supposed to be easy, and I was so disappointed in myself. I should have finished all the planning earlier.
Also, I’m upset because I invited my friends through Messenger and Instagram and a few of them only read my message and they did not reply whatsoever. Yes, more friends replied right away and they are available on my birthday, and that can be counted as a tiny victory. And I understand that there are other friends who have not read and replied because they are busy. But I cannot help but feel disappointed in those who only read my invite. If they are not available, they could just reply that and I will be fine with it.
And finally: For 5 years, I have been praying and hoping for a moment, a plot twist that I want to happen on my birthday – a moment that will mend my broken heart. But it has been 5 years, so I think this is a hopeless cause. Why am I even praying and hoping for this after all these years?
You may be thinking, “It’s just your birthday. Why are you feeling depressed over that?” Exactly. It’s my birthday. It’s the one time of the year when I will celebrate my life with the people I love, and I want to do it my way and I want to do it right. But then again, as Mick Jagger said in a classic song, “You can’t always get what you want.”
Sorry, Father. I lied. I’m not all right. And sorry to everyone who does not know my actual state now. I’m not going to do anything stupid, but that does not mean the darkness in my life right now is not real.
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Header image: RosZie of Pixabay. Edited in Adobe Photoshop 2022.
The Diary of The Deranged Writer 
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