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Spoiler & Trigger Warning: Very crucial information about Person of Interest: Synecdoche (Season 5, Episode 11), and themes of depression, suicide. Please be advised.
“Comforting, isn’t it? Fixing something… creating order amidst chaos.”
In the “Notes to Self” series, I write down quotes that I must remember as often as possible. With today’s entry though, it is also my current situation.
2 Mondays ago, I almost died. Clinical depression has been eating me for years, and one very morning, I wanted to end it all. So I took 4 anti-depressants (4 times than what is prescribed for me). I don’t want blood dripping from me; I just wanted to sleep and fade to black forever.
But because of this Filipino phenomenon called “lukso ng dugo” (literally “jumping blood” in English; wherein a relative just instantly connects with another relative), my parents unlocked the door, found me shivering and shaking, and they rushed me to the hospital a family doctor recommended.
In retrospect, I feel a bit ashamed of what I did. At the same time, I’m grateful for my parents because if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t still be breathing, alive, and typing this piece now.
To my parents and those who have checked up and have been checking up on me, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
It has been almost 2 weeks since I got confined. My therapist, the new Dr. Q, is gauging the replacement medicine while we are doing therapy sessions in the nursing room every day or night. The people I love are guessing how they could help me, while I am having a hard time figuring out some countermeasures myself. This process honestly sucks, but it’s necessary in order for me not to only survive, but to also find the fine balance between happiness and sadness.
During my non-therapy time, I am allowed to use my phone and laptop to connect with people and refurnish my blog The Dispatch. (Just like how Harold Finch is fixing a stolen car on Synecdoche, while The Machine [who took the voice of the deceased “Root” Samantha Groves] was talking to her creator, her “father”.) When I am done fixing what is online, I write my thoughts and track my mood on my planner. Thank goodness, Dr. Q.
And speaking of The Dispatch, you will notice the left sidebar (or top header on mobile) is darker, in contrast to the lighter content area. This was done so the website is not overwhelmingly white.
There also are a few new (and still-in-progress) pages like the Contact and FAQs pages to spice things up. This also goes in line with how my social media channels look, notably my Twitter. Sweet, right?
All of this sort-of brand refresh would not be possible without the help of my website manager Mr. Yoso. Thank you, sir, for helping me out on the customization.
In conclusion, looking back at The Machine’s quote to Finch, I would like to agree with her:
“Yes, it is comforting. Fixing something like my website, among other things… creating order against my chaos.”
Here’s to more progress, no matter how long it takes. Ω